The Finney School of Real Life

The decision to place a loved one in an assisted living facility is a difficult but frequently unavoidable one. Even though the choice may be absolutely necessary, the person forced to make the decision for their spouse or parent often feels an overwhelming sense of guilt.

When the time came for me to decide to place my mother, who suffers from Parkinson’s disease, into assisted living, I knew as a nurse that it was the best decision for both my mother and me. All the same, I felt an enormous amount of guilt, and when I came home after helping my mother move into her new community; I broke down, sobbing.

Today I work as a marketing counselor for the facility where my mother lives - so I see her every day and know firsthand that she receives excellent care - yet there are still times when I fail to hold back the tears.

Many caretakers who decide to put their loved one in an assisted living facility think they have failed them somehow, even if they have already spent years caring for them and simply cannot do so any more. I had been taking care of my mother for three years before bringing her to live in a long-term care community, helping her with daily tasks and spending every other night at her house. I even managed to make it a family effort, with my son easing much of the burden during his summers home from college. My mother did not want to leave her home, and I did all I could to see that she would not have to leave.

But eventually that time came. In a fall my mother broke her foot, but she hid the injury from me. A fall like my mother’s is especially worrisome because Parkinson’s is an incurable disease which progressively and inevitably gets worse. Patients are often able to minimize the ill effects of the disease for a time, but eventually they will require frequent or constant assistance from a caregiver. My mother’s fall was a sure sign that she could no longer live on her own. When her doctor discovered that her foot was broken, he told her this in no uncertain terms. Now it became my responsibility to help her find a new home, and though part of me wanted to take care of her just as she had taken care of me as a child, I knew that I did not have the capability to care for her as her Parkinson’s progressed.

In some respects my mother and I have been fortunate, in that she was aware of her doctor’s instruction and conscious of the reasons for entering an assisted living facility. Children and spouses of Alzheimer’s patients, on the other hand, must bear the full weight of responsibility when choosing the option of assisted living, though many spend months or even years denying this fact. Usually, when it comes time to seek out an assisted living facility for an Alzheimer’s patient, that patient has already reached an advanced stage of the disease and likely exhibits a number of disturbing symptoms. If the caregiver has decided that it is time to consider assisted living, the patient may already be in need of help with dressing, shaving, eating, and even using the bathroom. Perhaps the patient has become delusional, convinced for instance that the caregiver wishes to harm them. These are all common symptoms of Alzheimer’s disease, and, like Parkinson’s, such symptoms will only get progressively worse. Recognizing that a patient whose Alzheimer’s has reached such a stage and may need to enter an assisted living facility is positive. Unfortunately, I have met many people who think they can convince their parent or spouse of their need to enter an assisted living community, when in fact it is only the children or spouse of Alzheimer’s patients who can ultimately make the decision.

Compounding the grief is that patients who have reached an advanced stage of Alzheimer’s often lose awareness of recent experiences and surroundings, and may even lose recognition of their caregiver and other loved ones. Because of this, the patient will probably be confused by the move and unaware of the suffering of the child or spouse responsible for placing them in assisted living. Like I did, people begin to cry at times. Depression and anxiety, caused by guilt, sometimes become acute.

But there are a number of things that one can do to diminish feelings of guilt. In my case, besides visiting my mother every day, I always make sure that she has fresh flowers in her room. When she was able to, she spent a lot of time in her garden, and the flowers help her to experience a bit of the garden all the time.

On Sundays, I spend the day with my mother in my home, picking her up early in the morning and taking her back to her assisted living facility in the evening. I try never to miss a week.

Beyond that, it helps to remind oneself of the advantages that an assisted living facility affords. Working in the community where my mother resides provides me with some added insight into those advantages, for which I am grateful. Besides the obvious - the physical aspect of care - there is the always-important social aspect of continuing care communities. My mother, even before entering the facility, was very antisocial, and I even made a friendly bet with the staff that they would not be able to get her out of her room. For three and a half years I was winning that bet, but six months ago, after much persistence on the staff’s part, they finally got her to participate in the events.

One day recently, while I was with my mother, she took out a quarter from a drawer in her room. Though Parkinson’s makes it difficult for her to speak, she managed to say, “cards” - my mother had won the quarter playing cards. She never used to play cards.

Despite moments like these, which remind me of all that an assisted living facility offers that I alone could not, the guilt and the grief never entirely go away. But I know my decision was the right one, and I know that I am not alone in feeling involuntary pangs of guilt. My hope is that others in my position share these same realizations.

About the Author

Paulette Kaufman is currently Director of Sales at Keswick Pines, a Lifecare Center in New Jersey, which offers assisted living and comprehensive health care programs to residents, providing personal assistance, nursing care, pain management, and memory impairment support. Ms. Kaufman’s mother has been a resident of Keswick Pines for four years.

“It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.”

War is disturbing. Regardless of which “side” you’re on, people are killing, people are being killed, and people are suffering. A recent poll in New York showed 47% for the war, 49% against. This may be mirrored in your own environment. We are deeply divided, which means half the people you encounter won’t be agreeing with you, emotions are running high, and you may even be divided against yourself.

Acknowledge this is beyond your control. You can’t solve the problems of the world; no one ever has. The only thing under your control is how you think about things, how you respond, what you do and say.

Limit your exposure. Keep up on the news, but sitting in front of the t.v. constantly for a blow-by-blow description isn’t helpful. Distract yourself.

Find something you can do. Volunteer, help someone who’s having a hard time coping or has a loved one serving on the front, reassure your child, maintain a happy disposition at work.

Be grateful. For things in your own life and life in general. Tulips coming up in your garden, a job, an A on your child’s report card, someone gets a promotion, a new baby is born …

Find ways to self-soothe. Draw upon your faith, get a massage, meditate, exercise, journal. Talk with a good listener, spend extra time with loved ones, maintain a healthy diet, stick to nurturing routines.

Remember you have a choice in discussions about the war. You can choose to engage or not, knowing that everyone who has an opinion thinks theirs will make the world better. End the discussion on a positive note. You can connect; you can’t always convince, and do you need to? Value being in relationship over being “right”.

Stay away from catastrophizing in your conversations, and in your mind. Words like “never” and “always” and “those people” are rarely true and usually not helpful. The truth is, we don’t know what the outcome will be.

Seek help if you need it. Counselors and psychologists can help you deal with your reactions triggered by past events. Coaches can help you stay focused on moving ahead with plans and goals.

Start a new personal adventure. Take a course, start a new hobby, focus on a personal or professional development issue, lose weight, get in shape. The way we make the world better is one person at a time. This is a great time to forge ahead!

Susan Dunn, The EQ Coach, offers indivualized coaching programs on emotional intelligence, personal and professional development, career issues, midlife transition. Visit her on the web at http://www.susandunn.cc and mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE ezine.

* A baby is born every seven seconds.

* Babies are born with very poor vision but can recognize their
mothers almost right away.

* Babies are always born with blue eyes, within a few moments
of delivery their eye color can change.

* Babies are born with swimming abilities and can naturally
hold their breath. However, they shortly lose this instinct.

* Newborns usually double their weight by six months.

* Playing classical music will increase a baby’s intelligence.

* Reading to your child at ANY age will increase their
knowledge.

* Babies and toddlers are, pound for pound, stronger than oxen.
This is especially true of their legs.

* Babies are born without kneecaps.

The human body is a fascinating study to subject. You may be
surprised by the following facts.

* Women blink twice as many times as men do.

* Eyes are the most active muscles in the whole body.

* There are about 550 hairs in the eyebrow.

* The life span of a tastebud is 10 days.

* Humans have almost 10,000 taste buds.

* The colder the room you sleep in, the more likely that you
will have a bad dream.

* The human body is better suited for two four-hour sleep
cycles than one eight-hour one.

* The jawbone is the hardest bone in the human body.

* It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

* You share your birthday with at least 9 million other people
in the world…. talk about a lot of celebrating.

* The name Wendy was made up for the book “Peter Pan”

The following article is offered for free use in your ezine,
print publication or on your web site, so long as the author
resource box at the end is included, with hyperlinks.
Notification of publication would be appreciated.

Title: Sign up for your child Author: Andrea Cyrus, Msc.D.,
Rev., Mht. E-mail: mailto:andrea@truechanges.com Copyright: ©
2005 by Andrea Cyrus URL:
http://joyfulparenting.truechanges.com/ URL:
http://www.truechanges.com

Word Count: 675 Category: Parenting

When you have your first baby, you may soon also get your first
reality check. You may not really have expected to deal with so
much work, crying, burping, poop, pee-pee, and stress. You
notice you are constantly tired, yearning for some undisturbed
rest. Wave your old days bye-bye, and Sign Up For It. What
no-one ever really told you is that babies like to pee when you
change them, diapers can leak and burping can become a full time
job. Infants love to be up at night and sleep during the day
time; they can cry for apparently no reason and need you exactly
at the time, when it is most inconvenient for you. As these
little angels grow older things do not always become easier,
toddlers may still regularly wake up at night even when they are
2 years old, they will touch and chew on anything within their
reach, and you have to be on consistent alert, knowing that your
lovely baby follows his/her inner drive to restlessly
investigate the new world. There are an infinite number of
expected and unexpected things your little ones will come up
with, and my number 1 concept for Joyful Parenting is to Sign up
for it: I ________________ , hereby declare that I am fully
aware of what to expect of my □ newborn, □ toddler
□ 3-5 year old, □ school kid, □ teenager, and
that I will consciously sign up for the whole package. I sign up
for extended burping, less sleep, more noise, extensive dirt,
broken stuff, dirty clothes, pee, poop, vomit, tantrums, obvious
and not so obvious lies, broken items, stickers on furniture,
scribble scrabble on walls, destroyed furniture, dead frogs,
toys everywhere, posters, muddy shoes and broken windows. I sign
up for having a 1.2 year old telling me NO and a 13 year old
going through my drawers, I sign up for debates, arguments and
very strange excuses. I sign up for tons of why-questions and
discussions that are so confusing and disturbing, that I will
consider hiring a professional. I sign up for holes in my yard
and a stone collection neatly lined up next to my bed, for holes
in brand new pants, in walls, in pillows, carpets and curtains.
I sign up for pages ripped out of my favorite books, chewed up
magazines and the third set of blinds torn. I sign up for
nightly-emergency-room-visits, sleep-overs, and smelly strangers
being invited for dinner. I sign up for spaghetti sauce in the
face, hair, ears, nose, neck, chest, tummy, legs and between the
toes. I sign up for being rudely interrupted during
conversations, sleep, telephone sessions, work, sex, leisure and
meditation. I sign up for runny noses, buggers and tears,
scratching, biting and pushing. I sign up for all of the above
and all the other expected unexpected things my creative
child/ren will present.

To sign up to all these things may seem like a negative approach
to negative behavior by expecting negative things, but if it
were all that negative, the results could not be so positive. We
are not engaging in negativity, we are simply and consciously
saying YES to life. Because life is going to happen; babies
poop, toddlers cut hair, school kids avoid homework, and
teenagers lie. When we have a high resistance to the things that
are unavoidable we will respond with resistance (anger, hurt,
disappointment, feeling overwhelmed, stress, negativity,
impatience etc.) When you accept these things as part of the
deal, you have won half the battle. You will know that what you
are experiencing is normal, you will not be surprised or
stressed out or overwhelmed easily, you know what to expect and
will prepare yourself accordingly, your responses will come from
acceptance and understanding. Sign up for your child, know what
to expect, Child-proof your house, as if you were getting
prepared for a tornado, get ready for the experience of a life
time that lasts about 2 decades, and Take it with Humor.

You just read the first Chapter of the e-book Joyful Parenting.
To read more go to http://joyfulparenting.truechanges.com/

Question:

Are Narcissists addicted to being famous?

Answer:

You bet. This, by far, is their predominant drive. Being famous encompasses a few important functions: it endows the narcissist with power, provides him with a constant Source of Narcissistic Supply (admiration, adoration, approval, awe), and fulfils important Ego functions.

The image that the narcissist projects is hurled back at him, reflected by those exposed to his celebrity or fame. This way he feels alive, his very existence is affirmed and he acquires a sensation of clear boundaries (where the narcissist ends and the world begins).

There is a set of narcissistic behaviours typical to the pursuit of celebrity. There is almost nothing that the narcissist refrains from doing, almost no borders that he hesitates to cross to achieve renown. To him, there is no such thing as “bad publicity” - what matters is to be in the public eye.

Because the narcissist equally enjoys all types of attention and likes as much to be feared as to be loved, for instance - he doesn’t mind if what is published about him is wrong (”as long as they spell my name correctly”). The narcissist’s only bad emotional stretches are during periods of lack of attention, publicity, or exposure.

The narcissist then feels empty, hollowed out, negligible, humiliated, wrathful, discriminated against, deprived, neglected, treated unjustly and so on. At first, he tries to obtain attention from ever narrowing groups of reference (”supply scale down”). But the feeling that he is compromising gnaws at his anyhow fragile self-esteem.

Sooner or later, the spring bursts. The narcissist plots, contrives, plans, conspires, thinks, analyses, synthesises and does whatever else is necessary to regain the lost exposure in the public eye. The more he fails to secure the attention of the target group (always the largest) - the more daring, eccentric and outlandish he becomes. Firm decision to become known is transformed into resolute action and then to a panicky pattern of attention seeking behaviours.

The narcissist is not really interested in publicity per se. Narcissists are misleading. The narcissist appears to love himself - and, really, he abhors himself. Similarly, he appears to be interested in becoming a celebrity - and, in reality, he is concerned with the REACTIONS to his fame: people watch him, notice him, talk about him, debate his actions - therefore he exists.

The narcissist goes around “hunting and collecting” the way the expressions on people’s faces change when they notice him. He places himself at the centre of attention, or even as a figure of controversy. He constantly and recurrently pesters those nearest and dearest to him in a bid to reassure himself that he is not losing his fame, his magic touch, the attention of his social milieu.

Truly, the narcissist is not choosy. If he can become famous as a writer - he writes, if as a businessman - he conducts business. He switches from one field to the other with ease and without remorse because in all of them he is present without conviction, bar the conviction that he must (and deserves to) get famous.

He grades activities, hobbies and people not according to the pleasure that they give him - but according to their utility: can they or can’t they make him known and, if so, to what extent. The narcissist is one-track minded (not to say obsessive). His is a world of black (being unknown and deprived of attention) and white (being famous and celebrated).

——————————————————————————–

Mistreating Celebrities - An Interview

Granted to Superinteressante Magazine in Brazil

Q. Fame and TV shows about celebrities usually have a huge audience. This is understandable: people like to see other successful people. But why people like to see celebrities being humiliated?

A. As far as their fans are concerned, celebrities fulfil two emotional functions: they provide a mythical narrative (a story that the fan can follow and identify with) and they function as blank screens onto which the fans project their dreams, hopes, fears, plans, values, and desires (wish fulfilment). The slightest deviation from these prescribed roles provokes enormous rage and makes us want to punish (humiliate) the “deviant” celebrities.

But why?

When the human foibles, vulnerabilities, and frailties of a celebrity are revealed, the fan feels humiliated, “cheated”, hopeless, and “empty”. To reassert his self-worth, the fan must establish his or her moral superiority over the erring and “sinful” celebrity. The fan must “teach the celebrity a lesson” and show the celebrity “who’s boss”. It is a primitive defense mechanism - narcissistic grandiosity. It puts the fan on equal footing with the exposed and “naked” celebrity.

Q. This taste for watching a person being humiliated has something to do with the attraction to catastrophes and tragedies?

A. There is always a sadistic pleasure and a morbid fascination in vicarious suffering. Being spared the pains and tribulations others go through makes the observer feel “chosen”, secure, and virtuous. The higher celebrities rise, the harder they fall. There is something gratifying in hubris defied and punished.

Q. Do you believe the audience put themselves in the place of the reporter (when he asks something embarrassing to a celebrity) and become in some way revenged?

A. The reporter “represents” the “bloodthirsty” public. Belittling celebrities or watching their comeuppance is the modern equivalent of the gladiator rink. Gossip used to fulfil the same function and now the mass media broadcast live the slaughtering of fallen gods. There is no question of revenge here - just Schadenfreude, the guilty joy of witnessing your superiors penalized and “cut down to size”.

Q. In your country, who are the celebrities people love to hate?

A. Israelis like to watch politicians and wealthy businessmen reduced, demeaned, and slighted. In Macedonia, where I live, all famous people, regardless of their vocation, are subject to intense, proactive, and destructive envy. This love-hate relationship with their idols, this ambivalence, is attributed by psychodynamic theories of personal development to the child’s emotions towards his parents. Indeed, we transfer and displace many negative emotions we harbor onto celebrities.

Q. I would never dare asking some questions the reporters from Panico ask the celebrities. What are the characteristics of people like these reporters?

A. Sadistic, ambitious, narcissistic, lacking empathy, self-righteous, pathologically and destructively envious, with a fluctuating sense of self-worth (possibly an inferiority complex).

6. Do you believe the actors and reporters want themselves to be as famous as the celebrities they tease? Because I think this is almost happening…

A. The line is very thin. Newsmakers and newsmen and women are celebrities merely because they are public figures and regardless of their true accomplishments. A celebrity is famous for being famous. Of course, such journalists will likely to fall prey to up and coming colleagues in an endless and self-perpetuating food chain…

7. I think that the fan-celebrity relationship gratifies both sides. What are the advantages the fans get and what are the advantages the celebrities get?

A. There is an implicit contract between a celebrity and his fans. The celebrity is obliged to “act the part”, to fulfil the expectations of his admirers, not to deviate from the roles that they impose and he or she accepts. In return the fans shower the celebrity with adulation. They idolize him or her and make him or her feel omnipotent, immortal, “larger than life”, omniscient, superior, and sui generis (unique).

What are the fans getting for their trouble?

Above all, the ability to vicariously share the celebrity’s fabulous (and, usually, partly confabulated) existence. The celebrity becomes their “representative” in fantasyland, their extension and proxy, the reification and embodiment of their deepest desires and most secret and guilty dreams. Many celebrities are also role models or father/mother figures. Celebrities are proof that there is more to life than drab and routine. That beautiful - nay, perfect - people do exist and that they do lead charmed lives. There’s hope yet - this is the celebrity’s message to his fans.

The celebrity’s inevitable downfall and corruption is the modern-day equivalent of the medieval morality play. This trajectory - from rags to riches and fame and back to rags or worse - proves that order and justice do prevail, that hubris invariably gets punished, and that the celebrity is no better, neither is he superior, to his fans.

8. Why are celebrities narcissists? How is this disorder born?

No one knows if pathological narcissism is the outcome of inherited traits, the sad result of abusive and traumatizing upbringing, or the confluence of both. Often, in the same family, with the same set of parents and an identical emotional environment - some siblings grow to be malignant narcissists, while others are perfectly “normal”. Surely, this indicates a genetic predisposition of some people to develop narcissism.

It would seem reasonable to assume - though, at this stage, there is not a shred of proof - that the narcissist is born with a propensity to develop narcissistic defenses. These are triggered by abuse or trauma during the formative years in infancy or during early adolescence. By “abuse” I am referring to a spectrum of behaviors which objectify the child and treat it as an extension of the caregiver (parent) or as a mere instrument of gratification. Dotting and smothering are as abusive as beating and starving. And abuse can be dished out by peers as well as by parents, or by adult role models.

Not all celebrities are narcissists. Still, some of them surely are.

We all search for positive cues from people around us. These cues reinforce in us certain behaviour patterns. There is nothing special in the fact that the narcissist-celebrity does the same. However there are two major differences between the narcissistic and the normal personality.

The first is quantitative. The normal person is likely to welcome a moderate amount of attention - verbal and non-verbal - in the form of affirmation, approval, or admiration. Too much attention, though, is perceived as onerous and is avoided. Destructive and negative criticism is avoided altogether.

The narcissist, in contrast, is the mental equivalent of an alcoholic. He is insatiable. He directs his whole behaviour, in fact his life, to obtain these pleasurable titbits of attention. He embeds them in a coherent, completely biased, picture of himself. He uses them to regulates his labile (fluctuating) sense of self-worth and self-esteem.

To elicit constant interest, the narcissist projects on to others a confabulated, fictitious version of himself, known as the False Self. The False Self is everything the narcissist is not: omniscient, omnipotent, charming, intelligent, rich, or well-connected.

The narcissist then proceeds to harvest reactions to this projected image from family members, friends, co-workers, neighbours, business partners and from colleagues. If these - the adulation, admiration, attention, fear, respect, applause, affirmation - are not forthcoming, the narcissist demands them, or extorts them. Money, compliments, a favourable critique, an appearance in the media, a sexual conquest are all converted into the same currency in the narcissist’s mind, into “narcissistic supply”.

So, the narcissist is not really interested in publicity per se or in being famous. Truly he is concerned with the REACTIONS to his fame: how people watch him, notice him, talk about him, debate his actions. It “proves” to him that he exists.

The narcissist goes around “hunting and collecting” the way the expressions on people’s faces change when they notice him. He places himself at the centre of attention, or even as a figure of controversy. He constantly and recurrently pesters those nearest and dearest to him in a bid to reassure himself that he is not losing his fame, his magic touch, the attention of his social milieu.

Sam Vaknin ( samvak.tripod.com ) is the author of Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West Lost the East. He served as a columnist for Global Politician, Central Europe Review, PopMatters, Bellaonline, and eBookWeb, a United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent, and the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open Directory and Suite101.

Until recently, he served as the Economic Advisor to the Government of Macedonia.

Visit Sam’s Web site at samvak.tripod.com